Following Fear

A thought popped into my head recently when talking to a friend about their motivation to do something.

They were acting out of a fear of something. That if they stopped doing what they were doing (sorry I am being vague but it is not for me to disclose the information) they would lose something that they enjoyed having. 

They did not feel like they were supposed to be doing what they were doing, but they were too afraid to stop their actions because of what might happen.

And so I thought to myself: 

How often does fear dictate my life?

How often am I too afraid to do something, or to not act?

A few years ago my answer would've been always.

I woke up every morning terrified that if I left the stronghold of my bed that pain would find me and once more take control.

I was stalked by this fear like a shadow and my very breath had the stench of terror.

I eventually stopped trying to live my life, to go out, to meet people, to even get out of bed at all.

Fear is like cancer.

 If it is left unattended it will spread until it consumes everything in its path. 

That year the fear destroyed me, ripped me in to shreds and spit me out. 

It grew from one small notion into an idea that created a downward spiral the size of a hurricane. 

My fear was of cancer, and like cancer it raged until it could not be stopped. My health was a roller coaster and I was unable to see past the worst case scenario. 

And yet I needed to be afraid.

I needed a reason for what my doctors couldn’t explain, and because of my fear I grew stronger in my faith. 

One day I woke up and decided I couldn’t live in my fear any longer, I had to stand and fight.

I had to get up from my bed and fight for my life, fight for the last shreds of humanity left within me. 

I had to face my fear head on, and I could not have done it without God’s ever constant presence.

I battled with God by my side. I fought with a weight of a thousand doubts against me. But I stood.  I had to push through the fear of uncertainty and in the process I found myself.

Once again I will quote the great C.S. Lewis:

 "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." 

In all of my pain and in all of my fear I heard His voice screaming simultaneously with mine, as we raced towards combat.  And as we charged I was fearless. 

He had whispered a verse in my ear that gave me the strength to push on:

 “Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you shall go” Joshua 1:9.

We must have courage in ourselves as children of God, perseverance in our battles with the world, and faith that God will be walking alongside us through each and every battle we have to face. 

So as I was talking with my friend I wondered if I still allowed the fear control over me. 

Somedays I think I still might.

But even on those days I have my Commander beside me, weapons ready, simply waiting for me to pick up my sword.