Snow's Fall

This is a poem I wrote a while ago, but I've held off posting it.

It brings the same promise of redemption, renewal and revitalization that a baby did long ago. A baby we celebrate with a White Christmas. I hope you enjoy:

The world falls silent

Creation holds its breath

Time is frozen in misty state

the world has paused

and for the slightest instant

transcendent peace descends

forcing humanity to respond in hushed tones.

And with this peace falls snowflakes

majestic in their manner

dropping so slowly from above that they might

instead, be traveling back towards Heaven.

Each snowflake is a unique dancer

keeping in perfect harmony

all individuals working together for one moment,

one message

of pirouettes and chasses

flawless in each motion

remaining in the rhythm of the wind

swaying to the silent song of a million stifled voices.

It is no wonder the world stops to watch

Their captivating fall

a million shooting stars

traveling through the universe for this one performance

with all of Earth as their audience.

But the chill bites

And Creation responds

No longer an artist’s work

But cold, sharp edges.

Yet this is all the crystals have,

this is their one time on the stage

So their dance becomes more urgent,

pleading with Creation's wandering eyes,

trying to regain their fleeting audience.

They become a problem requiring a solution,

left to be trodden on by feet that had once stopped to marvel,

tainted with bile and filth dragged along by the shoes

Crushed into conformity

and pushed aside

No longer beautiful beams of starlight

No longer revered

No longer loved.

Their only release comes with the sun

in his rays lie the promise of a new start,

A second chance

To live the dance once more

But on a different stage

With different music.

The transformation burns

it sears the snowflake's flesh

stripping them of all they have

liquifying their essence to allow for ascent

Back to Heaven.

Back to Perfection.

Back to Cherished.

Hello again

It's been a while.

And weirdly enough, I've missed you all. I've missed even those who I have never met from all around the world, and I've missed letting the people I do know about my life.

I haven't been absent due to a lack of motivation to write, or a shortage of topics to talk on, but merely due to the mere business of the season. Finals, packing and then family have consumed the time I have had, and when I have had a spare moment to myself to try and organize my thoughts into coherent sentences I have had far too many things to sort.

So here I am, trying to sort it all into some kind of single post. And I don't think I can.

Exams went well as far as I know.

Goodbyes were hard. Some harder than others.

I sat next to a little girl on the plane who reminded me of Annie. She wanted things the way she wanted them, and she was very comfortable as herself.

And since then there have been a multitude of blessings that God has poured out on me.

Several today even.

Today I realized I was much stronger than I originally thought. I had the opportunity to fall apart, and the truth is, I didn't have a reason to. I had gotten beyond what months ago would have broken me. It helps that I knew that God would give me strength. He did.

And then later today my family had around 40 people over for dinner. I got to spend time with my family that I have missed. But five of which were orphans from Ethiopia. What traditionally is a birthday party for me became a way to bless kids who really need love. And I am pretty sure they left feeling loved. I know I fell in love with them before they left.

We went on a sleigh ride. We made gingerbread houses. They performed for us (they are a part of a choir called His Little Feet). And we gave them presents.

I got a few, but the truth is, It wouldn't have mattered if I hadn't. I had the chance to show love to kids who need it. And they showered me in love in return. And that was the most important.

And my being born made it possible.

So thanks Lord, for planning my birth twenty years ago, just so a night like tonight could happen.

Jesus take the wheel

So I mentioned in my last post that there was more than one theme God has been thrusting in my life. 



So here is the other one:


I have to surrender it all to God. 


Countless times I have had conversations about worrying and stressing and letting anxiety take over, and how all of those things means that I'm not really trusting that God will be there to care of it for me.


But the truth is: He will. 


Always. 


And so I am wasting all of my time sitting in this anxiety when I could be out living my life the way He wants me to. 


So all of the things I worry about, all of the little fears that pop into my mind I must uproot. 


A good friend of mine told me this old wives' saying:

"You can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep it from building a nest"


And that is how I have come to look at all of those little worries that plague me throughout the day.


They are birds, and while I can't help them from entering my thoughts, I can prevent them from staying. 


And here's another thing I've learned, not as much recently, although recently it has come up a lot: 

Fear is never from God.


Think about it:




Whenever a Messenger from the Lord comes, what is the first thing they say?


Do not be afraid.

What do 2 Timothy 1:7, 1 John 4:18, Isaiah 41:10, Matthew 10:31,  Psalm 56:11, Psalm 5:11, Psalm 34:4, Philippians 4:6-7, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Psalm 55:22-23, Luke 12:22-26, Matthew 6:25-34,  Psalm 42:5, Proverbs 3:5-8, Hebrews 13:6, Joshua 1:3-9 and so many more say?

Do not be afraid. 

We can't foresee what will happen, and if we sit and try and guess there is a high percentage that we will be wrong.

All we can do is surrender your fears the second they enter your mind.

Surrender your fears and surrender everything else as well.

The same wise friend also recently voiced something I had always known, but had never thought of:

"Every time we think we have control of our life it is just a trick from the Devil. He wants you to think you have control, but he is really the one in control."

All of it reminds me of a series my dad once gave called "merge" and this is the example he used to make it click in me.

He said: "Imagine you are driving on a long stretch of road, and Jesus is in the passengers seat. Now you know He wants to drive but you are happy being in control, that is, until you get tired. Then you let Him drive for the next little bit of road, until you are no longer sad or exhausted, but then you want back in control. And He of course gives it to you, but before He does He says 'I wish you would let me drive the rest of the way, after all, it is I who knows where we are going, and after all, it is my car.' But instead we keep putting Him to the side, not allowing Him to take us the way He's planned, the route without any traffic or construction."

Now here's how the two connect:

 Imagine while you are driving, you are listening to a GPS. It is telling you where to go and how to get there. But the GPS wants you to hit rush hour, it wants you to get lost along the way. That is Satan: he might not be driving the car, but he is the one in control of the driver. And all Jesus says is: "I wish you would stop listening to that, and just let me drive. I don't need the GPS, I already know the way."

We need to surrender it all to Him.

We need to let Him take the wheel.

Because without His direction we are lost.

Just a Reminder

Wow.

God is really convicting me to write right now.

He is pulling pretty hard on my heart strings.

I guess that mean He has something He wants me to say.

Here it goes:

God tends to work in motifs, in themes, and there have been a few lately that I guess I should mention.

The first is the fact that He loves and delights in us. He does not find us to be burdens.

Conversation after conversation after sermon after song have all been illustrating this in my life.

It is as if He has been beating it into me with a stick.

The first and easiest way to describe this is in the song "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder. I've spoken a bit about the love of God before and how His jealous is something we should be glad of, well the lyrics go like this:

"He is jealous for me 
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree 
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy 
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory 
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. 
Oh, how He loves us so 
Oh, how He loves us 
How He loves us so. 

Yeah, He loves us 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves. 

So we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking 
So heaven meets earth like a unforeseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way 

He loves us..."

He loves us enough to not only be jealous but to deal with all of my countless crap.

Think about it (I've been doing a lot of thinking about it)

God made us, not because He needed us or because He wanted to feel loved. He already had all of the love He needed, but He WANTED a relationship with us. He DESIRED to get to know us, regardless of the cost. Before He made the Heaven and the Earth He knew I would be a sinner, and the only way He could have that relationship with me would be to die for me.

He knew I would be less than perfect, He knew I would break His heart a million times over, but

it didn't matter.

He loves me to the point that He doesn't care about all of the bad things I've done or will do, but instead cherishes all of the things I do right.

And that is barely the beginning of how He keeps showing me that. 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."
~Eph. 1:3-6

He gives us EVERY blessing He has. He calls us holy. He calls us His own. 

In fact, He also says:

"You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you." 
~Song of Solomon 4:7

He does not see our flaws, even though He sees all we do. And goodness knows I am flawed. 

Instead He sees us as He created us: blameless and pure. Because He made us blameless and pure once again through His blood.

But this one is my favorite.

"The greatest sorrow and burden you can lay on the Father, the greatest unkindness you can do to him is not to believe that he loves you." 

~ Jonathan Edwards

God hates it when we question His love. I mean has He not provided time and time again?

Our God is so wonderful and powerful, yet He is hurt when we choose to not believe all He has done for us. And yet He will continue to do it. He will continue to pursue us until we have no option but to respond.

It makes no sense that He would love us.

All that matters is that He does.

More certainly then the air I breathe He loves us.

And If that isn't enough there is this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

God loves you. 

And He just wanted to remind you of that.

He's certainly been reminding me. 

I was wrong

So I have ever told you that God works in funny ways?

Because just yesterday I talked about how discouraged I have been feeling and I wrote a long list of things I can't do.

But last night, through a group of young girls, God reminded me of all of the things I can do.

I can still cook and bake, things I love to do, and am learning to do well.

I can read and write, which if you know anything about me, you'll know those are passions of mine.

And most importantly, I can still share all of the ways God is working in my life.

Last night was preview weekend, where high school students who are considering Trinity come tour and visit the school to see if they want to go here.

There were a few girls who did not want to be separated, and a few girls from my hall willing to host, so in an act of God we all ended up pared together.

It was such a blessing to be able to love on these four girls, who for being in their twelfth grade year are all so on fire for God. They have each done incredible things like raised thousands of dollars for those suffering, and have gone to work with the people enslaved in sex trafficking, and so many more things.

And yet God used me to bless them.

He just allowed me to love them and share all that I've learned of Him this past year.

And the conversation just left me and my good friend Ana so refreshed and refilled that we have been unable to focus all day.

And we stopped trying about noon, taking today as a Sabbath, to just dwell in this peace, in His Peace.

We've done nothing but rejoice God and praise all day long.

"So set a fire down in my soul,
That I can't contain
And I can't control
I want more of you, God
I want more of you, God"

And last night, while all of the other girls were getting ready for bed, I went outside into the cold night, and I ran.

Not for long, but I ran, I felt the brisk air rush past my face and my feet were steady and sure.

Because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. "

Only Physical

To be honest, I've been very discouraged lately.

It's just sometimes I hate being me.

I hate having to lump through all of these hoops that most people don't even know exist.

I can't do most things the way most people can. I have to be more careful, I have to be smarter, and I always have to ask myself what will happen if I do something.

I can't go to concerts, because the noise and the lights will undoubtably give me a migraine.

I can't stay up late, because if I have less than seven hours of sleep I will have a migraine.

I can't just go out for a cup of coffee or tea, because I am not allowed to have caffeine, because they aggravate migraines.

I can no longer really dance. And dancing is something that I love to do. It's just now I have to be careful about how many dances I have, because if I get dizzy it won't stop for days.

And sometimes I just want to run.

To just pick up my feet and take off, not daring to look back.

But do you know what would happen if I would do that?

After a few seconds I would get dizzy, then my vision would blur, then it would fade completely, and not long after, my consciousness would go as well.

There are so my limitations on my life, that sometimes I just feel so trapped by it all.

Like I am in a physical cage I cannot escape.

Luckily I know one day this body will hold me back no longer.

Because I know I am capable of so much more than this body, these muscles and bones restricted by the ailments of imperfection.

I will run "father up and further in" and dance until stopping suits me. 

I pray for that day to come. 

John Mayer was Wrong

Well I suppose now that I've told you all about my past, I could maybe tell you more about my present.

More specifically why I haven't been able to write all that recently.

Caution I am not really sure where this will go, but chances are it will not get there eloquently.

This week has not been one of my best, medically speaking.

Okay, so maybe it has been more like a week and a half.

I guess it started on Wednesday the 24th when I had a pretty bad allergic reaction. Don't get me wrong I was not covered in hives or going into epileptic shock, but according to my friend (who is training to be a nurse) my throat was swollen and had pustules, which meant that all during my night class (which night classes are awful anyway) my throat was closing and it was harder for me to talk.

Now, I've been aware of my mild allergy to onions, but this was the first time they caused any more harm than a stomach ache. The change more than mildly concerned me because onions are in everything. Goodbye to Italian food for me. Depressing.

So that was the first.

Then this last Wednesday (yes on Halloween) I decided I could risk eating chicken parmesan at the cafeteria, provided I was skimpy on the sauce and just picked out any onions I could see. Wrong choice. This time however, I was prepared with a Benadryl in my backpack, so instead of dying from lack of oxygen, I was falling asleep in class.

Ideal.

Then on Thursday I had a mental breakdown about my ability to eat in the caf when so many things have onions, and if I couldn't eat there why would I pay for a meal plan, so then I started the process of trying to get out of that meal plan which which, I found out my school makes pretty much impossible.

Awesome.

On Friday things were looking better.

Partially because I knew I was going to be swing dancing that night.

And I love to dance.

Unfortunately the feeling is not mutual.

Once we actually started dancing, I only got a few songs in before I got dizzy.

And I know how to spot, so the dizziness was not in reaction to the spins.

And the migraine hit full force after that.

So Friday night, all of Saturday and most of Sunday I spent in my bed, almost unable to get out of it.

And yesterday when I did finally get out of bed, I work up with a cold.

A cough that was so bad I had to step out of my morning class to try and control myself.

Super Ideal.

And to top it all of I have had four nosebleeds in the last 24 hours.

One of which while writing this post.

My body is not a wonderland John Mayer.

My body is just weird.

I think it thinks I'm like eighty or something.

Someone For You to Meet

I must say that I am a little overwhelmed by the response I have gotten the last few days.

To those of you who told your friends and even for those who are continuing to read, thank you. 

All of the views made me even look over the last post, which is odd because I rarely read over my posts, even for editing purpose (much to the dismay of my mother), and I discovered that I forgot to talk about one very important person. (Well there are a lot of important people I left out but there is one in particular)

I've kind of talked about her before, but I realized that I never really told you who she was to me.

Her name is Annie and she is the epitome of her namesake: Gracious. 

This is Annie and I when she was six years old. Her eyes stayed that bright until the end.

Annie got diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive form of cancer at the age of two.

The doctors predicted she wouldn't make it to three, she got to seven.

But this story is not about her death, for it is her life that holds so much meaning.

She was the epitome of faith in a beautiful, blond, blue-eyed little girl. 

Although she wasn't really that little.

Annie went through several rounds of cancer.

When they thought it was gone,  it came back. When the cancer-free party was planned the results returned positive.

I remember she was four years old when I heard the cancer had returned, she wiped my tears, and told me that she was going to be ok because God loved her. And as I continued to cry, she started to laugh, called me silly and then walked away to go play. At four years old she had a faith I can’t muster at nineteen, and in spite of all of her struggles and pain still has an ability to unconditionally love that I aspire to.   

Her brilliant blue eyes always shined hope throughout the pain,.

Her faith was strong enough to shake mountains, to paralyze oceans and to change lives.

In the face of tumors, surgery and chemo she kept her head raised toward Heaven and was always grateful for the things she had, and was always full of assurance that her God will save her. 

And he did time and time again. Even when saving her meant taking her "home-home"

When I was struggling with all of my medical issues I thought of her, and I suddenly felt strong enough to push through. 

She had a strength I envy and trust I try to emulate.  She embodied all I yearn to be, and she did so as a child.

Annie and I had a rule; a rule that I am grateful to say was never broken. Every time she saw me, she had to give me a hug. In spite of the bad days and the even worse ones she came. Whenever she spotted me, from no matter how long of a distance, she would come running from her mother’s side, into my open arms. Her mother will search for only a second for her daughter, but then would smile at the two of us.

If the only thing important I do in my life was to love that little girl, it will be enough.

If I had given her anything in return, my soul could rise happily to Heaven.

Because she gave me so much.

Annie never gave up. 

Her strength never faltered and that she never lost her ability to hope for the best.

Her eyes stayed bright and never faded as the world beat her down. She fought with every last breath, but when the time came, and her family was all near, she finally found peace. 

She was finally healed. She “rose on eagles wings” to her home, her true home. And her suffering is finally over.

C.S. Lewis once said, 

"My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through those of others"

I aspire to view the world through Annie’s eyes.

In her eyes there was always a silver lining, a rainbow at the end of the storm. In her eyes there was a world full of possibilities, and good. 

And even as she ascended to join the angels her inspiration lives on.

 She ran to her Father with open arms. 

She has the ability to dance and sing like she never could in her body here on earth.

And I am sure that Annie’s eyes still contain all of the love they always have.

In fact I am positive her eyes contain much, much more.