Judas

I've been thinking a lot about Judas lately.

Kinda weird I know, but betrayal has become more prevalent to me recently.

And what I've been wondering is how he could've done it. How he could have traded the life of a man who had taught him, prayed for him, and loved him unconditionally for a bit of gold. 

I mean they had been friends for quite some time and it is not like Jesus ever wronged Judas in anyway.

Here is what my brain knows:

I understand that sin is very powerful and when you let a demon have even the slightest inch it will consume you like a wildfire. 

I understand that we all are tempted and we all fall short and make mistakes and I do not wish to judge or condemn him for being human, 

but I still don't get it. 

Did it need to happen? Yes. 

Would humanity be lost without a Judas? Yes.

Does that mean I fully have to understand why? No.

But yet the question still rattles around in my mind, distracting me from some necessary things like sleep.

Here is how my heart feels:

Maybe that is just because my relationships are very important to me and because I am hurting I just can't wrap my finger around how something so finite like money can be worth more than the life of a friend. 

And furthermore, Jesus, as God, knew that Judas would betray him, and yet he still taught, prayed and loved the man the same. 

I mean Jesus also knew that there needed to be a Judas in order to have a crucifixion and thus a resurrection, but you would think that if you were told ahead of time there would be some animosity towards the person.

Luckily Jesus is a far better person than I.

Because the definition of betrayal requires a sense of loyalty to that person and if Jesus would've acted bitter and hostile towards Judas it would not have been betrayal, only revenge. And it would not have hurt as much.

Because Jesus had to go through every human trial it can be assumed that we will all face some form of betrayal in our lives. And we will all have to try and act as He acted and forgive those who trespass against us. 

But having felt the severe pain of betrayal I do think I understand why it was one of the last trials Jesus had to face. It is one of the hardest. Not only because there is a deep wound inflicted when a friend turns their back on you, but even more so is that you begin to question your part in the act of betrayal.

Did you make them turn to the enemy? Was there something you could've done to stop it? How could you not have seen it coming?

I think those questions are what makes betrayal so awful. They are what separate it. And they are what make it so difficult to forgive.

And Yet, Jesus did forgive Judas. He told Judas to continue before Judas had even acted. And even before that he treated Judas with as much love and compassion as the rest of the world. 

FAAAARRRRR better person.

I mean I can't say that I have never hurt someone I care about due to my own selfishness. I am sure I have. More than once.

And that is the one thing I do understand about Judas: his guilt. 

I know how it feels to hurt someone you love and the weight that comes with that. 

And although none of us deserve forgiveness, we have all received it. So should we not try and give it as well, as undeserving as those people might be?

I'm working on that. And it is taking a whole lot of effort, and one day I will get there.

But for right now I am forgiving Judas, and thanking him because without him I never could have been Forgiven. 

The Truth behind Cliches

I hope that by now I have expressed how I feel about the power that words can hold. But there is something that is still more powerful: Action.


Yes I know, what a cliche. 


But honestly, there must be at least some truth to all cliches, otherwise they would not have become cliches.


For example, the cliche "Many hands make light work" can hardly be argued with. In most scenarios having a set of extra hands does decrease the work load. Pure logic.


Another one that rings true is that "a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link." Obviously if you were to lift a car above your head by the means of a chain (don't ask me why you would do this) you would want all of the links to be strong enough to support the weight. Because all it takes is one small link to falter in order for you to paper thin on the sidewalk.


But now for the one I am specifically referring to: "Actions speak louder than words"


This has become especially true to me in the last few days.


I've said before that words only have significant power in the hands of someone who knows how to use them significantly well and I think that is where the action is able to prevail. 


There are such things as empty words. I have heard them the last few days too often for my comfort in fact. 


I know these words hold no meaning because every act the people who have uttered them directly contradicts the words themselves. 


They might for example say that they care about me and never wanted to hurt me, yet they acted in a manner that they knew would hurt me. 


Somehow the two do not add up.


And yet when asked which of the two is the one most viable, action always emerges triumphant.


I have determined that this is because there are so many different meanings when it comes to words, so many things left ambiguous. 


There is the speakers interpretation, the listener's, third party, so on an so forth, until the words become so muddled in the miscommunications that the statement must be altered in order to bring clarity.


With action this is not true. Yes there are intentions, but the act itself, and the effects that correlate are not subjective, at least not to the same degree as words.


And furthermore an action cannot be restated when there is a misunderstanding. Actions can not be undone. They can be forgiven, forgotten, but never undone. 


But it is far easier to work around a misleading statement than it is with an action because while it is common to fall victim to the illness coined "word-vomitting," an action normally requires more thought before one can physically commit a negative, in this case, deed. 


So as much as I believe in the infinite power that words can hold, I do believe the quintessential cliche that states actions say far more about a person's nature. So while we must remember that are words can do far more damage than we often credit them for, we must also be aware that actions are unable to be erased from a page and that once a choice is made, you must learn to live with it ("You've made your bed now you have to sleep in it").


So here I am, a girl who makes her passion words, saying, screaming

Impossible

Shattered and broken,
torn into tiny pieces,
this is where I am.

Confused and uncertain,
numb and heartbroken,
this is where I stand.

Trying to regain balance,
trying to regain hope,
this is where I dwell.

But my feet keep moving
amidst all of the fog
and the rough gravel my bare feet tread upon.

Because although it may appear impossible
to put myself back together

Impossible is nothing.

In fact, 

the impossible is done everyday.

By every man, woman and child.

Because it should be impossible to forgive,

to forget

to move on.

And yet,

These things are done daily,

by people who truly have learnt to face impossibility with courage

by the people who against all impossibilities have discovered the ability to love.

Which,  in a world of such sorrow, pain and betrayal should be impossible.

And so as impossible it may seem to turn this:

Into this:

I know I will be able to PERSEVERE.

I know I can be strong enough.

Even if it feels impossible in this moment.

Oil and Vinegar

This world is a big bottle of oil and vinegar. The equal parts of the good and the bad. And in order to create a successful salad dressing the bottle must be shaken, so that the good and bad can disperse. 

And my world has just been shaken. 

But as I am trying to regain my feet and gather my surroundings I must always remember that God shakes the bottle for reasons we can not understand yet. 

I mean if the two were not mixed it would be nothing but good until the bad consumes all. And that is no way to live life. 

So instead the good comes with the bad, allowing for a bittersweet taste that balances perfectly. And while I might feel surrounded by the vinegar in this moment, the oil will come to replenish me.

For we never can know when it will next be shaken for the better, or how this shake will balance out the next. We just have to trust that with each new upset something will change in us.

And change for the better. 

Confidence in a word

As someone who would consider herself a writer I often go through lists of favorites.


For example:


My favorite form of punctuation is the semi-colon, because it does more than a normal period or colon can. In fact it does both of their jobs simultaneously.

My favorite literary device is an asyndeton.


My favorite genre has gone from fantasy to fiction to utopia to classical literature.


But my favorite word has almost always been consistiant: perseverance.


perseverance |ˌpərsəˈvi(ə)rəns|noun1 steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success (dictionary.com)
Perseverance, for me, packs a mighty punch. 
It is literary conviction.
To press forward
To continue in the darkest of times
To never lose hope.
It is a word I feel we can all relate to because sometimes things that we do not want to happen in fact do happen and yet the world keeps spinning.
No one can stop time. No matter how we all wish we could at some point in our lives. 
In fact, Shakespeare's villains are characterized by their desire to control time. 
MacBeth, instead of patiently waiting for his time to rule kills the king for his throne, thereby attempting to take the nature of time into his own spotted hands.
But I wonder how much attention he paid to the word perseverance. Was it just a means to reach his end? 
I think that if he had really thought of its meaning his fate would have been different. 
Because Perseverance is not a word that can truly describe an outward battle for power, but more of an inward battle for courage and hope in times of uncertainty. 
Someone once said: 

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

And that is true perseverance. It is done not to gain some finite wealth or power. But to gain confidence in yourself.

 I can't help but love this word, because I can't help but need this word, this courage, this perseverance.