Sometimes

Sometimes we really want something to happen.

Sometimes we are surprised by how much we really want it to happen.

And Sometimes the thing that we want to happen does.

And it doesn't change anything.

No matter how much we wanted it to.

In fact that is probably why we wanted it in the first place. We wanted some change to occur.

But what happens when that change never comes?

What happens when all of that wanting, all of that wishing is done in vain?

What happens if the change isn't the one you want it to be?

Does it make us bad people if we get upset?

Does it make us selfish?

Or stubborn?

Sometimes we really want something to happen.

Sometimes we are surprised by how much we really want it to happen.

And Sometimes the thing that we want to happen does.

But rarely does it work out the way we want it to.

And sometimes we just need to cry about it and then move on.

Pascal and Puddleglum

In my Philosophy class our first unit was about ancient philosophers who debated the existence of God.

And while they were all very well spoken and argued there was one writer whose argument clicked. 

A man called Pascal logically argued for the existence of God, not by what he could determine of God's nature from the world or from humanity, but from the prospective of there being a wager.

This wager was one that must be answered in life, for it was the only important bet we would ever make in our lives.

Pascal stated that there were two possibilities in this great debate: either God exists or He doesn't.

And due to this we could logically determine what would be in our best interest to believe. 

If God does not exist for example, and we do not believe in Him then we have the satisfaction of being right and we have lived a life including finite pleasure (which always end up doing more harm than good). However if we have spent our lives believing in a non-existant God than we lose those finite pleasures (which always end up doing more harm than good) and we are a good person.

But if God does exist and we do believe than while we miss out on those finite pleasures (which always end up doing more harm than good) we gain eternal life and happiness. Our rewards are infinite. But if we don't believe in The Lord of All than we might have experienced some finite pleasures (which always end up doing more harm than good) but we are eternally damned. Our loss is infinite. 

And so if you just take those factors in to account believing in God gives you the highest reward with the lowest cost. And your chances are 50/50. Now I am no gambler, but if I was I would take that bet. 

Now Pascal's Wager reminds me of one of my favorite passages from my favorite author:

"'One word, Ma'am,' he said... 'One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things--trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Supose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say." 

~The Silver Chair, C.S. Lewis.

We are all in need of something more than what this world has to offer, because like the Green Witch's world, ours is hollow, and without Aslan we will keep trying to fill the void with the finite. But instead of living in a incomplete world why would you not strive for the world that is completely perfect?

After all, it is that world, and that Lion, that have the most to offer us. 

Pleasantly Pushed

Yesterday was much needed. I needed to pause and allow myself a brief selfish moment. I needed to cry and pour my heart out on to the page. And while I can't share it with the world yet, I think someday I will be able to.

But now back to the resolution I made with myself.

Even though last school year was very difficult, I never doubted that I loved my classes, or that I loved my professors.

Trinity Western has some of the most outstanding staff members there are, and they were all so supportive, yet they constantly pushed us to be better in one way or another.

Last semester one of my professors, and luckily for me my academic adviser, mastered the perfect combination of those two crucial tasks.

And I will never forget my first lesson with her.

It was American Literature and we had started at the very beginning: Native American Creation stories.

After reading them and discussing how they paralleled the Christian creation story she froze and asked us:

"Now tell me why you believe our creation story."

In our very first lesson she was already pushing us to verbalize our faith. She challenged us to defend the story of a God who made man from mud and woman from man. 

We did not go into the logistics of how long it took Him, or whether a form of divine evolution was used, but we did have to fortify our reasoning for believing in the God of the Christian Creation. 

And after we all spoke, she had this to say:

"The Christian God created humankind because He intimately desired a relationship with us. He did not need us, but He yearned for children to love and cherish. And the Christian God is the only God who desired that relationship enough to rectify it after it was broken by sin. Christianity is the only religion with an incarnation. And I would rather believe in a God who loves me enough to sacrifice His power in order to know me than believe in anything else."

And after hearing it phrased like that, no other religion, no other god can really match the I Am. 

And that is how a class in a Christian university should be. It should affirm our faith and challenge us in ways that we never would have expected. 

And I'm looking forward to returning to that. 

Short of success

This week I made a silent resolution to myself to write a post a day about my upcoming return to school. And while I have lots to say about how I am excited about my classes for the semester and how I am planning on doing so much with my time, I don't think that is the writing I am supposed to do today.

I think today I am supposed to just write for myself. 

I think it is one of those nights where my heart needs to pour itself out in my little blue notebook. 

Will it eventually get typed up and displayed for all eyes to see? Maybe.

But as for now I think I need to write for the pure reason that my heart has something to say.

I don't know what, but I'm going to figure out...

Overweight luggage

The last week I have spent packing.

The last month my closet and dressers have been organized into two sections:

 What stays
 and
 What goes.

It feels like I have had to place everything in my life in one of the two areas. The problem is I have trouble separating myself from any of it.

One pile is significantly larger than the other, there is more that I want to bring with me than what I am willing to part with. 

I would probably bring it all if I could.

So instead of trying to go back through all of my items, I try to be as efficient in my packing as possible.

I cram things in to the point where they are 49.9 lb. and bursting at the seams.

Which I think is something I think we all do, but not only with our checked baggage. 

We all hold on to things for too long, too afraid to forget the story or the emotion behind the significance. 

Because each item has some significance. 

As humans we love what is tangible, and that love often weighs us down with luggage we do not need. 

Our bags are heavy and burdensome, yet we keep trying to fit those last few items in, because for some reason we are too afraid to let them go.

And this is not only applicable for the physical clutter in our lives.

Sometime it seems as if our hearts were suitcases, where we store away every crush, every touch, every heartbreak. We carry this suitcase around with us continuously adding to it, but we never even think about opening it and cleaning out the contents. 

Eventually these suitcases become to full to add to, overweight and too big to meet the requirements. 

So then we have to do what everyone hates and is embarrassed of: we have to sort through it in the middle of the airport, trying to lighten the load enough to fit that last piece in and still not get overcharged.

If we would just go through them ahead of time, or even better examined whether or not we really need to travel with each item, then this can be avoided.

It all starts with forgiveness. 

That is how we rid ourselves of those unnecessary items.

So while I am still bringing five bags with me to school (rough estimate), there is one bag that I know I can leave behind, for I no longer can carry it as a burden. 

Bittersweet Lingering

This week I am going back to school.

And for months it was all I could do to not pack my bags and camp on the campus until they would let me move in.

This wasn't because my first year of university was the best year of my life, in fact it was the third worst. 

But I was so excited to return because it gave me an excuse to run from my problems. Going back to school meant being elsewhere and for months that was all I wanted. 

Now that I've confronted my problems face to face however, I've realized that my fears were not really that scary. 

So now that it is finally time, there is a bittersweet taste in my mouth. 

Not because I do not want to go back, because I am truly looking forward to my return.

Instead the acid in my mouth goes back to how I thought my summer would look.

I wanted to enjoy myself, get a job where I could relive my childhood and time to replenish my soul.

This summer was nothing like what I thought it would be. 

I got a job as a nanny, and while it did mean I could still eat like a four year old and play with Barbies it made me conscious of how far away my childhood has become. It made me feel like an adult. 

I cried more than I ever have. I went through heartbreak and betrayal. I became anti-social and afraid to leave my house.

And yet my soul is more replenished and renewed than I ever could have imagined.

For while I had the responsibility to care for the lives of small children, I also had more chances to illustrate unconditional love to several families. 

And while my tears single-handedly stopped the wildfires in Colorado, I still had joy. The tears were there yes, but so were the laughs, chuckles and grins. 

The funniest bit is how this summer was probably the worst I've ever  had, I still will miss it.

I think the bittersweet is the desire to let this summer continue forever, 

Because I am not done growing, and that is what this summer has been for me.

In fact it is more like spring. 

I will have to now endure the heat and the cold that is to come.

Luckily spring always returns.

So Trinity, I am coming your way, so watch out, for I am even stronger than before.

Following Fear

A thought popped into my head recently when talking to a friend about their motivation to do something.

They were acting out of a fear of something. That if they stopped doing what they were doing (sorry I am being vague but it is not for me to disclose the information) they would lose something that they enjoyed having. 

They did not feel like they were supposed to be doing what they were doing, but they were too afraid to stop their actions because of what might happen.

And so I thought to myself: 

How often does fear dictate my life?

How often am I too afraid to do something, or to not act?

A few years ago my answer would've been always.

I woke up every morning terrified that if I left the stronghold of my bed that pain would find me and once more take control.

I was stalked by this fear like a shadow and my very breath had the stench of terror.

I eventually stopped trying to live my life, to go out, to meet people, to even get out of bed at all.

Fear is like cancer.

 If it is left unattended it will spread until it consumes everything in its path. 

That year the fear destroyed me, ripped me in to shreds and spit me out. 

It grew from one small notion into an idea that created a downward spiral the size of a hurricane. 

My fear was of cancer, and like cancer it raged until it could not be stopped. My health was a roller coaster and I was unable to see past the worst case scenario. 

And yet I needed to be afraid.

I needed a reason for what my doctors couldn’t explain, and because of my fear I grew stronger in my faith. 

One day I woke up and decided I couldn’t live in my fear any longer, I had to stand and fight.

I had to get up from my bed and fight for my life, fight for the last shreds of humanity left within me. 

I had to face my fear head on, and I could not have done it without God’s ever constant presence.

I battled with God by my side. I fought with a weight of a thousand doubts against me. But I stood.  I had to push through the fear of uncertainty and in the process I found myself.

Once again I will quote the great C.S. Lewis:

 "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." 

In all of my pain and in all of my fear I heard His voice screaming simultaneously with mine, as we raced towards combat.  And as we charged I was fearless. 

He had whispered a verse in my ear that gave me the strength to push on:

 “Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you shall go” Joshua 1:9.

We must have courage in ourselves as children of God, perseverance in our battles with the world, and faith that God will be walking alongside us through each and every battle we have to face. 

So as I was talking with my friend I wondered if I still allowed the fear control over me. 

Somedays I think I still might.

But even on those days I have my Commander beside me, weapons ready, simply waiting for me to pick up my sword.

Meeting God on a Mountain

This week has been one of my busiest weeks this summer by far, but it has also been one of my best.

I have had so much to say, but I just haven't had the time to dedicate towards putting my thoughts down on paper.

This week one of my dearest and most darling friends flew in to visit me. I took the week off from work and together we explored the beautiful land that is Colorado.

Her first day here I took her up to the mountains for a scenic hike and picnic only to be followed by a majestic mountain trail ride.

We spent the day talking and laughing away, which is something I've needed this summer and have missed until recently.

We talked of all sorts of things, but our conversations always shifted back to one main topic: God.

How we find God in our lives.

Where we meet Him.

All of the things He has done this summer to help aid us in our walk with Him.

And while I think these things would have been said eventually, I believe that they came up more rapidly than they would have because of our physical location.

I don't know if you have ever spent much time in the mountains, but there is this majesty that you can't escape from. Especially in the Rockies. They tend to swallow you whole.

And when you are sitting or standing at the peak there is no mystery as to why Moses met God on a mountain, and why later Jesus prayed to His Father there.

Because God is more apparent through His creation in the mountains. There is a stillness in the air that silently prepares your heart for the whisper of the Maker.

And all you have to do is listen for it. 

So while my friend has returned home and I will once more go to work monday morning, I am trying to hold on to the Immenseness of His Presence.

It might take a few more trips up to the mountains to remind me...

Boxes too Small

We are fallen people. Imperfect and flawed. This much few people argue with.

But one of the results is that we create images of things in our minds, and these classifications are so dominant that very few things have the ability to alter them.

We take what we have seen and experienced and we have sorted them into categories along with things we have noticed having similar traits.

It is one of the basics of science. And it solves several problems in this world.

But it creates the problems when we attempt to do this with God.

You might have heard that humanity has put God in a box, but I disagree.

I think we've placed Him in two boxes: The God of the Old Testament, and the God of the New.

One tends to veer towards jealousy and anger,

The other towards love and compassion.

And naturally we tend to gravitate towards the latter.

The problem is these are the same God, the One and Only.

In the first box is the depiction of God from the Old Testament. This somewhat harsh and unforgiving God partially has to deal with cultural and literal expectations of the time, but another part is because of our imperfections we are disassociated from God in a way.

He is the one to flood an entire disobedient earth, the one to set rules, and the one to enforce them when His people are defiant.

All of the other religions of the time had great powerful gods of war, and one god was not enough to satisfy them, so in order for the Israelites to be willing to follow The God He had to be bigger and more powerful than all of the other gods combined. And to them that meant a God who was completely in charge and who would not let His people control Him.

But God desires to be worshipped and true faithful worship goes hand in hand with reverence.

Because in order to truly worship something we have to consider it above ourselves. We have to consider it worthy of praise.

Because He so much more substantial than we are even our best intentions are not good enough.

Today in church we talked about 2 Samuel 6. And more particularly the death of Uzzah. Here was a man, who simply saw the Arc of the Covenant slipping from the cart where it was being  transported, and so in an act that came from a pure place in his heart, Uzzah touched the Arc of The Lord and died on the spot.

This is the brutal God that people place into that first box.

But what few of them think about is how it was all the fault of men that brought Uzzah to his death. God had given specific rules on how to transport the Arc and King David did not care enough to heed them.

The God of that time couldn't afford to be compassionate and forgiving of Uzzah because the sin of humanity created a disconnect between created and Creator.

But the God we've placed in the second box, came down to build a bridge.

He carried the links of the chains of sins that we are all bound, and He bound them to Himself instead.

That is why after the incarnation God becomes such a different picture.

It is because the price has been paid and He now has the ability to meet us where we are.

His anger was satisfied in Christ, making way for His Grace and Unconditional Love.

He always had it. He created us as a picture of it, but we messed it all up, and so He came down as one of us to cleanse the very creations that had ruined His perfection.

And while Uzzah lost the finite, I have no doubt Christ gave him the infinite.

And I think He would do it all over again. Even if it were just for me. Even if it were only for you.

So those boxes that we carry need to be ripped apart, because God is too massive and eminent to fit successfully in any box, in any single space. He is too big to try and categorize.

So why try?

Why not just enjoy?

Why not just praise a God who can love vaster than our understanding?

Covering His Bases

Have you ever noticed that when God has something to say He finds a way yo incorporate it in every aspect of your life?
In song lyrics, literature, even in daily conversations?

Because I've experienced that quite a bit lately.

The themes He has orchestrated in my life for the past few months have been so repetitive and apparent that it has become comedic.

A fall asleep laughing kind of comedic.

And because of all of these messages I have a very constant reminder of God's presence.

Every time I drive my car laughter finds my lips because a song about forgiveness is playing on the radio.

Or in my devotionals and even recently in the sermons I attend there has been a theme of orbiting around Christ. Which always makes me grin because I have recently allowed myself to fully gravitate towards Him.

And in my prayers and conversations the topic of surrendering occurs frequently. Which causes me to chortle at God's reminder that surrendering all to Him is a daily and constant task.

And these are merely a few.

But needless to say I have been laughing a lot.

The laughter in fact now can compliment my less-frequent tears.

A few of which have been caused by my laughter.

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy"

~Job 8:21

Do you hear me yet?

AM I SHOUTING LOUD ENOUGH?

What it takes

A friend asked me a question the other day that I would like to share:

"If there was a Christian Olympics what would your sport be?"

There are events in preaching and leadership, hospitality matches, and coffee date tournaments (which is like all around gymnastics, complete with fellowship, mentoring and encouragement).

And while I was pondering what event I would be good enough to compete in I realized that I probably wouldn't qualify in anything. 

Because in order to even be considered worthy of the prestige of the title 'olympian' there are many challenges athletes must face. 

And the problem is, not only do you have to conquer those challenges and rise above them, but you have to do so consistently. 

That is where I think I would struggle. That is where I do fall short. Because while I have my days with very successful coffee dates, and those days I am simply oozing faith, they are not the reflection of my typical performance but more of an exception to the rule. 

I mean maybe if there was a Special Olympics for Christianity I MIGHT qualify in some area, but the truth is even on my best days I would be far from a medal. 

So I'm going to start focusing on my consistency so one day, more specifically The Day, I will.

A Borrowed Wisdom

A wise woman once talked of her grief. She lived in it for quite some time, but now time has passed and she is now done grieving. She is done grieving, but she is not done growing.

In fact I don't think any of us are ever done growing.

I know that I am not.

But I am done grieving.

I am done looking at my past and wishing it was with me again.

I am not done healing however.

And that is perfectly alright with me.

The last few months have been messy and difficult, but they have also been enlightening and revitalizing.

At the beginning of this summer I spent hours lying awake at night reliving and over-thinking everything I could possibly scrutinize and examine, wishing to do it all over again, wondering where I went wrong.

Now, it often still takes me a long time to fall asleep, but I am lying in my bed too excited to sleep, to over-joyed with all God has done and will do in me.

And can I just tell you, that is a really fun feeling.

And as I was reading the words of this wise woman, her last comment stuck out to me:

"Perhaps Grief is the greedy guest.  She sprawls across the furniture with her cold, heavy blankets, and she hides in the dark corners.  Now that she has gone, I have only the memory that she was ever here at all.

Love has stayed all along."

I have not forgotten the pain, nor will I. But the truth is I would do it all over again for this outcome.

All because the love I've found is the epitome of how love should be. It is exciting, refreshing, and so Divine.

Floating in a Bigger Tide

That writing feeling has been itching in me for quite some time.

Practically the second I finished my last post.

But I have had so many things I've wanted to talk about. And they all are too disjointed to link. So tonight might be a night of more than one post, because the two are connected, but only by a semi-colon.

In my last few entries I have felt like a sunrise was slowly ascending in the morning sky.

Well now I am happy to say it is finally dawn.

The sun has risen completely and while there are still some clouds in the sky, I do not fear any rain that might come my way.

I am a boat with only one dock now, and on that dock lies the perfect Captain. He can steer me through any storm, in fact He can halt the waves with a mere wave of His punctured hands.

The other rope that bonded me has been cut and it has floated away.

And I have no control of which direction I am headed, yet I am completely content to just wander.

Because while I might not know my direction, my Captain has sailed all seas and will take me to the crystalline waters.

I am just happy that He wants to take me along for the ride.

Delightfully Un-Apathetic

Jealousy has been a theme that has popped up in my life the last few days.

I am unsure as to why, but because it is a pattern I've noticed I might as well comment about it.

The first occurrence had to do with jealousy in a relationship, a concept I have become very familiar with.

The second occurrence however was much more powerful; it had to do with the jealousy of God.

In church today we were in Exodus, talking about the golden calf and God's jealousy for the far inferior deity made of the earth He created.

I feel like we have all have experienced the burning feeling, like we are in the midst of an inferno and it is slowly roasting us from the inside out.

It is not a pleasant feeling.

And it often causes a lot of problems (particularly with any romantic aspect).

So why is our God jealous?

Especially of something so trifle and negligible in comparison?

It is because God is intimately interested in us.

It is because He has such a passionate love for us that the idea of us worshipping something else drives Him crazy.

It is because He desires and deserves more than just our Sunday mornings.

He craves for us to love Him back and so completely that we become consumed in Him and that nothing else matters.

Because after all, "you can't wrap your arms around God when they are already wrapped in something else. If our arms are occupied the He can't give us all that He wants to" (Ryan Paulson)

I have made Him jealous recently myself and I have had nothing good come from it.

I have not seen the wrath that God swore on the Israelites, but that is because someone lobbied for my freedom.

Someone took that wrath upon Himself and carried it to a cross.

All because He cares enough to get jealous.

He cares enough to get angry and upset.

Which is far better than a god who could care less what we do.

Than a god who is completely apathetic towards his creations.

Than a god who would've let us fall to sin and the consequences thereafter.

Don't you think?

Shedding the Soot

Fatigue has found me.

My feet have little strength to continue lifting my weight
My eyes have been burdened to the point of retreating forevermore into the safety of their lids
My heart has groaned too many times to search for anymore hope.

But it is not over yet.

I will find rest.
I will find peace.
I will find comfort.

And I know this because it is not over yet.

My time to fall in flames has passed.
My time to rise from the ashes has come.
My time to soar is now.

Because I am a phoenix.
Because I am letting go,
Because I am no longer going to dwell on the inferno.

Confronting Conflict

I've never been very good at conflict. I despise it in fact.

So in order to deal with this (often irrational) fear, I am someone who will script out my conversations in my mind to organize and prepare what I need to say in order to insure the confrontation is as productive as possible.

The only problem is you can't script life. The author in me wishes that I could but the problem with creating such a script is that it never works out the way you want it to and so when the conversation is over and you've both walked away there are more regrets than there is closure. The other person didn't respond the way you planned for them to and so your script becomes jumbled and you end up skipping a few lines. So all of your preparation is wasted simply because we were not made to be authors of other people's lives.

Now however I have stopped myself from doing this (okay I typically carry out the script for the first few lines but I do make myself stop when I realize what I am doing, it's a process)  I have adopted some new techniques for handling the conflict.

Since I know I naturally am going to fall victim to my bad habit of planning word for word what I will say I try to not give myself time to think and obsess about what will happen. And I've found that the obsession is really just proof that I do not trust God in my conflict and confrontation and when we decide to trust in ourselves rather than Him things never go as planned.

That brings me to the second new habit I have formed: praying. Prayer has been known to do pretty cool things and if you pray all of that worry about not knowing exactly what to say goes away. Especially if you pray that God will give you the right words. It will calm the fears and provide you with a strength you were unaware of. Which in difficult situations like conflict is often ideal.

Now there is one final thing I have been doing that may seem silly, but I think really does help, at least it does help me. In order to remind myself of the strength God will supply I have been taking a pen and writing verses on my wrist. Joshua 1:9, Psalm 27:1, 1 Cor. 10:13, Phil 4:13. All of these verses talk of strength and in the midst of a confrontation that is what I feel I need most.

So last night, when I faced one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to, this was my prayer:

"Daddy,
As much as I want to write out what I will say, I know that if I do I will only disappoint myself. My words are only divine when you flow through them, otherwise they are a limp kite in the still air. So instead here is prayer: Give me courage to face my fears tonight, even if it means the bravery to be vulnerable. Place my heart in purity so that my words are not stemmed from anger and bitterness. Allow me to be brutally honest but unexaggerated. Allow me to say what I must and nothing more, nothing unnecessary. Shower me with your Peace and Grace and constantly remind me of Unconditional Love. I pray that when I speak my words are heard and I pray that you will use those words to meet [the person of my conflict] where [he/she] is. Bless [him/her] Lord, and be with me. I will need you, especially since such a large part of me feels like I need [them]. Remind me that I don't, that I have You to lean upon now, You as a best friend that will never leave or forsake me. One who will stand by me in all of my faults and failures. Cover me with Your Presence. Consume me in Your Light. Send me another rainbow please Daddy. Remind me that I am not in this storm alone and that it will in fact be ending soon.
Bring me strength. Bring me You. "

He did provide me with the strength I needed to face my fears. And I feel like nothing was left unsaid. But as far as Him using my words, that I will probably never know. And that is alright, because in the words of my favorite author,

"[Aslan] tell[s] no one any story but [their] own."

~C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy