Sometimes I wish the busyness never stopped.
Not while I am in the midst of it, but after the wind eases up a bit and the waters begin to settle. It is after the first few breaths of relief that the empty feeling sinks in. The question of “What now” fills the air. The storm has left me disoriented and I no longer know which way is north, and I have forgotten where I am heading. In these moments I wish that another set of clouds would blow my way, so that I wouldn’t have to remember where I was going, where I am, and how to get there. If the storm would come back than those problems would be erased by the pure will to continue, to fight for my fleeting chances of survival.
Sometimes I wish the busyness never stopped.
That I could keep distracting myself with my long ‘To Do List’ and never have to worry about the direction my ship is sailing because all I need to care about is that it stays floating.
But if the busyness was infinite, if the storm continuously raged on then eventually my provisions would be gone and I would turn to dust, working myself into extinction. And that is no way to live, no matter how much simpler it may seem in the moment. I would fade away, never to complete more than the meticulous, never to have the opportunity to stop and watch the sun rise over the horizon.
This weekend I have to allow myself to rest, to pause in the middle of the chaos of my life, to take a deep breath and take it all in. Even if that means I have to try and regain my bearings.
