A Meager attempt at an Apology

Vulnerability. 


No one likes it. Especially not me. For the last few months I've really had to deal with the fact that I will not let myself be vulnerable. Not just in front of other people, but when I'm in a dark room all alone. It is completely absurd because I am a human and so I have emotions and a right to cry or be angry and just to let myself be vulnerable. 


So why do I care so much about being vulnerable? Why can I not let myself open up?
Let's dissect this concept:

The definition of vulnerability is

to be susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm

I guess I have just been unwilling to let myself be susceptible and so I distance myself from everyone I possibly can, including myself. I refuse to face the fact that I am upset and thus I shut down. It isn't easy for me to cry, I mean I can call tears to my command, demand them to show themselves in a scene or for a dramatic effect, but when I am sad and have every reason to open the dam, nothing more then a few big, wet, silent tears are allowed to escape. Something stops them. I think it is because for me tears have always meant weakness and I won't admit to myself that I am a human and that it is okay to be broken. Because it is. I need to start believing in that concept again.

I need to believe that tears do not de-value me as strong, but they enable me to refresh my strength. They will give me the energy to keep going on.

"Tears are God’s gift to us.  Our holy water.  They heal us as they flow."  ~Rita Schiano

And yet I still cannot cry. No matter how much I want to.

I go to outrageous lengths to make myself feel strong, impenetrable. I distance myself and build walls to feel protected and safe, blocking out all of the possible threats, when the real threat lies behind the walls I so meticulously assembled. I cake on facade after facade, trying to make myself appear perfect, yet allowing myself a sliver honesty to still seem human. I try to counsel the people I love, trying to convince myself that I am stronger than I am, and try to produce all of their answers for them, because I have none of my own.

I have no idea why I do these things. But these forms have hurt so many, all because of my need for self-preservation. To those who know who they are, I'm sorry. There is nothing more that I can say except that this entry is for you. This is me placing my cards on the table, bad as my hand may be and just taking whatever play comes next. Here is my attempt at being vulnerable, not just to you, but to my world.

Vulnerability. No one likes it. Especially not me.

But I am no longer afraid of it. 

I've decided that I'm not going to try and pry the tears from my eyes, but that when they do come I am going to welcome them with open arms, like old friends I haven't seen in a long time, because they never really were my enemies.