Letting Go

I know I just posted, but there is still this itching feeling inside of me that says that I am not quite finished yet. But instead of adding to my last post I felt as if there was something different on my heart, maybe not altogether separate, but not unified enough for an addition to be made. Not like I know what it is that is itching inside of me like a hundred fire ants dancing on my heart.

So let me pause to think of what it could possibly be:

There is no better sound than children's laughter.

Forgiveness is less for the other person and more for ourselves.

The common cold really is vile.

These and a million other possibilities ran across my mind, but the one that struck the chord is the second, so I guess I am going to talk about that one.

Where to start?

Because it isn't an easy one.

The last month has not been easy on me emotionally.

I have dealt with disappointment.

I have dealt with betrayal

And heartbreak.

And I have just been trying to gather the pieces and recollect and reconstruct myself.

And I found myself waiting for an apology that might never come.

And in the midst of it all of a bitterness has been growing inside of my heart.

And along with it came this weight. Heavy and tedious to bare.

But I've realized that I can't wait forever. I can't need an apology in order to move on with my life, because then I might never move on.

Sure I can still hope one comes my way, but I can't be dependent on it. Because I've already spent far too long waiting, allowing the bitter seed to grow within me.

But even after convincing myself that said apology will never occur (because that is by far the surest way of allowing myself to be free of the need of one) the bitter weight still remained.

Because while I had allowed myself the freedom from that lingering, I did not allow myself the freedom of forgiveness.

That is until God spoke to me (in the clearest voice He has in a long time) telling me it was time to forgive.

I fought, not thinking I was strong enough.

He persisted.

Eventually I attempted.

I spoke the words, first shaky and unsure.

Then with every repeat the weight receded and my voice more confident.

And eventually it became true.

I forgive you

And although you are the one who was forgiven, I am the one who won.